Zombie Mommy... First Trimester

Well I haven't really updated anything on here since I got pregnant.  I was zombie-like for about two months.  It was a really hard time for me.  But the gratitude for actually being pregnant made it a little better! The other thing that made it better was my sweet family.  Brent did so much.  Every night taking care of the kids from right after dinner until bedtime often while I did nothing more than lay in bed.  Every night teaching the children how to be better helpers in the home.  Training Chico on dishes, Griz on garbages, and making them pick up after themselves.  Chico really stepped up and has been awesome at dishes morning and night.  I couldn't have made it through those awful weeks without them.  Brent is so supportive and I am so grateful for the wonderful man that he is and all that he does for me.
I'm sure a lot of people out there thought we were done having kids since Sanna just turned 4.  Sometimes we wondered if we were too.  I tell you the following story to illustrate how long it took to get pregnant this time around....While Brent was in Physician Assistant school I wasn't great at taking birth control which for other women might mean they'd accidentally get pregnant but not for me. By near the end of the first year I stopped refilling my prescription all together in hopes that we might have another.  Pregnancy still didn't happen... life was stressful though so it wasn't too surprising.  As life got a little better in Tennessee in 2016 it started to be a bit more surprising that we weren't pregnant but we didn't worry too much about it because we just figured it just wasn't the right season for us fertility-wise since all of our children were conceived in the winter.  We moved to Utah in December and I really thought we'd finally get pregnant.  Maybe life was still too stressful... I mean we did live in a basement and in mid January we did pack up our kids and took them to Salem for 5 weeks and lived in a camper trailer. I still felt a bit discouraged though as the winter season came to an end with no pregnancy.  I felt like that was the last chance for us somehow.  Sanna was nearly 4... maybe we were supposed to be done having kids after all.
We moved in June to Oregon. I was convinced at this point we wouldn't get pregnant without fertility treatments and was thinking of setting up an appointment once our insurance from his new job started up. Life for the first time was pretty non stressful! He was done with school, had graduated, passed his big test, and had a job waiting for him to start up later that summer, and we were finally out on our own in the place of our dreams which by the way has a nice cool climate which may or may not be significant.    But then again... with all of the science and mystery of fertility aside.  We know that it's ultimately up to the Lord and we feel grateful that he has blessed us with this child now.  I'm not sure I could have handled it during Brent's graduate school now that I have seen how much I relied on him.
Here is my journal entry from July 25th:
I'm still in shock.
I just had a positive pregnancy test!!! Haven't seen one of those in just under 5 years!!!
I really didn't think I was actually pregnant before I took the test.  I mean yeah my breasts were tender the last few days but I've experienced that before and still not been pregnant so I wasn't too sure it wasn't just hormones from being about to start my period.  My periods have been coming every 26 days or so and today was day 28 so I was thinking.... well maybe...?  I needed some stuff at Walmart so I grabbed an .88 cent tester off the shelf so I wouldn't keep wondering. 'Put myself out of my misery' pretty much is how I usually think of taking a pregnancy test.  I didn't use it until we had gotten home from a long drive looking at houses.  The kids weren't quite ready to head to bed but I needed to pee and I really didn't think it'd be a positive test but was curious so I just slipped in the bathroom by myself without telling Brent and took the pregnancy test.  The pregnancy line didn't show up right at first which didn't surprise me but I was washing my hands glanced back down at it and it started to appear to my shock.  I went and got Brent and brought him in to the bathroom and of course the boys followed.  We distracted them and then he and I went and looked again and the line had gotten even darker!
I couldn't believe it!!!! I was upset I hadn't waited until the kids were asleep so I could have squealed in delight and jumped up and down etc. that's what I felt like doing. I cried tears of happiness a bit and just tried to hide it from the kids.  Brent and I kept exchanging knowing glances and smiles.
I feel a lot more nervous about miscarriage this time. If all goes well I'll have the April baby I always dreamed of!
***

While I haven't been updating my blog I've been keeping up on Instagram which helps... but since I hadn't announced it yet I couldn't always journal the whole of what was going on. I've decided to share some of my Instagram posts with the rest of the story.  :)

Remember the fun fair we went to...

 While yes it was fun, apparently a fair is not a great place for a person with sensitivity to smells, blinking lights, and smells... did I mention the smells?
In fact I didn't journal much but here is an entry from July 30th after the fair:
My goodness I don't remember having such strong symptoms so early on. I'm 5 weeks today and these last several days I've had to make sure to eat little bits at a time.  Often I'll stop after a few bites cuz it just tastes wrong.  I made a smoothie the other day and I couldn't drink it because it tasted weird.  Smells are getting stronger.  The fair really did me in last night.  Kettle corn smelled gross as did other foods.  Fatigue hits me badly too.

Looks like I'm living the dream sitting there chatting with a bunch of moms at the beach on a warm summer day...

It was a good time for sure but the snacks I brought were not agreeing with me and water wasn't helping either. My stomach was so upset that when I saw one of the mom's had sprite I asked her if I could have one. A little embarrassing but I was desperate. Ha ha.

  (I have no idea why the screen shots look so horrible and red... but oh well... )

Remember how I drove to Utah to see my Grandma and let the kids spend time with the family?  Because I love these 4 people very much! Otherwise we would have been spending that time at home with me in bed.

Remember what a cool Mom I was taking my kids to the drive in all by myself?

Well now you know how crazy that was... I was so tired all the time... why would I stay up that late?  I slept through most of the second movie and talked to Brent the whole drive home.

"Camping with the family has been such a blast for the kids"... is what I said in this post

 The hidden message behind that was that while it was fun for the kids, I laid in bed in the trailer or in a camp chair feeling sick and tired most of the time. The elevation was 10,000 feet so that didn't help much.  I still enjoyed being with my family but I do feel bad what a zombie I was.  The picture above is actually from Rexburg... I showered and looked a little better and felt a little better at that elevation.  Hopefully there aren't any pictures of me from the Uintahs... zombie Sarah was probably a scary sight.

I was SO sick when we left to go home from Utah. Like I was pretty sure I was going to puke on the side of the road.  I don't know how I got to Boise.  Luckily when I spent the night at my cousin's house in Boise I got feeling better.  The next day (the longer leg) was much easier.
I should also mention the anxiety that plagued me the whole time.  Before our trip out to Utah I had this fear that something bad would happen.  I tried to figure out if it was the Holy Spirit warning me or if it was anxiety and fear.  I determined it was fear and that we should still go.  But in the back of my head the whole time I had that anxiety fueled voice telling me something bad was going to happen.  So when we finally made it home safe and sound I felt so grateful.  It really confirmed to me that the spirit speaks to us differently than fear speaks to us.  Then we learned about that in Relief society that next week and I heard other people testify of the same thing and I found that interesting.


 I was pretty sick on my birthday. My friends surprised me with this cake.

 When they came I probably looked like I had the flu as I sat there on the couch.  My one friend already knew but I decided it's time to start telling people who see me because I don't want them to think I'm unhappy to see them. I'm just not the best at acting I guess.
Their visit was one of the highlights of the day for sure!  Brent took me out for a date later that week.  It was great!

"Sanna dragged me out of bed to take her to the park"  is what I said below

 Literally I was laying in bed feeling tired and a bit sick when she got dressed and basically told me we were going to the park by heading out the door to get in the van.  I heard the door shut and sat up looked out the window at her getting in the van and sighed and got my shoes on and took her to the park.

Sanna has never really been interested in dolls.  In fact the day after I found out I was pregnant I was sitting with Sanna and put a baby doll in her hands and tried to teach her how she would hold a baby if she ever had a baby brother or sister and she said, "Like that will ever happen!"

Now that she knows it WILL happen she just seems to be a natural with those baby dolls!